4th of July

Oh my goodness...where do I start? First of all, I have so many pictures I want to share it's absolutely ridiculous...and yet I think I just might post every single one of them! Don't know if they're all going to fit on one page...but I'm gonna give it a whirl. =)

My oldest brother Dale is here from New Jersey with his wife Jenny, daughter Olivia and son Jacob...just in time for the 4th of July...and Lord-willing for the birth of Paisley. (Crossing my fingers and praying that baby girl comes out soon...and I can hear Ann saying, "Amen!")

On the 4th we had dinner at my parents house with Dale and his fam, my parents, and my Grandma Young...

followed by hanging out in the backyard with the kids...

and then we walked to West Ellensburg Park for the fireworks...my mom and Jenny had brought glow sticks for the kids to play with and they had a blast making necklaces, anklets and bracelets...and eventually combing all of the glow sticks to make one giant "necklace".

It was so much fun watching the kids during the fireworks. First of all, they were much quieter than past years (thanks to the economy and cheap fireworks) and Remi absolutely loved them...at times pointing in the sky and yelling out various sounds.

The kids grew sillier and sillier throughout the show and near the end were yelling things like "that one looks like Jacob!" or "that one looks like Grandma!" It was pretty cute. I loved watching Raife have fun with his cousins. Although they'd never met each other before Saturday, they all instantly became friends and had quite a time together.

On Sunday afternoon we had a BBQ at our house with Matt's parents, my parents, Grandma Young, Dale and Jenny and kids, and Lance and Cooper. Again, the kids had lots of fun playing together in the backyard while the adults visited. It was fun to watch Cooper get thrown in the mix as well. Although he's the youngest (excluding Remi), he's starting to be more social and play with Raife and I love watching them interact.

Olivia is great with Raife and Remi...I think maybe she needs so more younger brothers and sisters cuz she's so good with little ones...wink, wink to Dale and Jenny...

Jacob and Raife are just plain old silly together. They're both boys though...boys at the age where they love to be silly.

We took a few pics of the 5 cousins together and I was cracking up when I looked at them afterwards. Olivia, Cooper and Remi were troopers...cheerful, smiling, looking at the camera or adults the whole time...Raife and Jacob on the other hand...well they just couldn't seem to both smile nicely at the same time. In one picture Raife is smiling and Jacob is goofing off...then in the next Jacob is smiling nicely and Raife is goofing off...they literally alternated the whole time and we didn't get a single picture where all 5 kids are smiling towards the general direction of the camera. Ah well...that's what happens when you try to get pictures of 5 kids all at once. Check em out...

Goggleboy to the rescue!

Introducing....

Goggleboy!!!

Dame in distress...

Goggleboy to the Rescue...

Thank You

Physically, this has been a rough day for me. I decided to get out for some fresh air early this afternoon and go for a walk with my mom...which was wonderful at the time...but shortly afterwards I was practically doubled over from the painful cramps that followed. So now I am wisely taking it easy.

Emotionally and mentally, we are doing well. Tuesday was a very rough day for us, but on Wednesdsay I woke up filled with peace. As my friend Kara from work reminded me on facebook...Weeping may last for a moment, but Joy comes in the morning. And it did.

Although I am still sad that we lost our baby, I am by no means depressed...and I haven't cried since Tuesday. I know that we are in God's hands and I trust Him with everything in me. I have been blessed with a wonderful supportive husband and 2 beautiful healthy children. I have much to be thankful for. I also have amazing friends who are always there to love and support me, and for that I am very grateful.

To everyone who has prayed for us these last few days...Thank You. It's been wonderful to know how much everyone cares about us...to know that we have been in so many people's thoughts and prayers. Between e-mails, phone calls, flowers, text messages and MANY facebook comments...we have been overwhelmed by all the support and encouragement we have received. So thank you!

"When the barometer of life drops to the bottom of the gauge - when the winds of adversity blow hard against our souls, we cannot make it on our own. We not only need the Lord, we need each other."

- Charles Swindoll

Glory Baby

We found out today that our baby whom we were expecting to arrive shortly after Christmas, lovingly referred to as Reed (named by Raife who decided several weeks ago that the baby in my tummy was a girl named Reed), is no longer with us. I'm not sure when we lost her, but evidently I've had a miscarriage. I have no words. I am just very, very sad. Although the pain I feel today is not even a small fraction of the pain I felt when we lost Angeliyah, the pain is still there...and it is still significant...and our baby that we lost is significant.

Although we were very shocked when we found out I was pregnant, and not at all excited in the beginning due to how overwhelmed we felt...over the last several weeks Matt and I have grown to love this baby...to want this baby...we were starting to get pretty excited about adding another child to our family...making plans already...talking about building a bigger house...etc. And all too quickly, our excitement and plans have been snatched away from us. But the love is still there for our little Reed. That is one thing that can not be snatched away from us, despite our current circumstances. And just like Angeliyah, we know that Reed is in Heaven. We never got to hold her before she left, but we know whose arms she is in until the day comes that we get to hold her ourselves.


GLORY BABY, BY WATERMARK
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby...baby...
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby...baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you...Until we're home with you...

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, We will hold you
You'll kiss our tears away, When we're home to stay
Can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, til mom and dad can hold you...
You'll just have Heaven before we do...You'll just have Heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it's hard to understand it 'cause we're hurting, We are hurting
But there is healing, And we know we're stronger people through the growing,
and in knowing
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said he would...Just like He said He would

Miss you everyday
Miss you in everyway
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, We will hold you
You'll kiss our tears away, When we're home to stay
Can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, til mom and dad can hold you...
You'll just have Heaven before we do...You'll just have Heaven before we do

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know...

We love you baby Reed!!!

Hope

God...comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Some thoughts from Charles Swindoll...

...and a few from Tami Izzi as well.

2 Corinthians chapter one gives 3 reasons for the purpose of suffering in our lives:

1. That we might have the capacity to enter into others' sorrow and affliction.

Since the day we found out we would lose our little girl, we have been blessed by connections with so many other families who were/are going through the same things as we have/are. The experience of losing a child has enabled us to comfort other families facing the same tragedy. And having specifically lost a child to Trisomy 13 has allowed me to connect with women around the world who have also lost a child to Trisomy 13...creating friendships that are a HUGE blessing to me...friendships I never would have had if it weren't for Angeliyah.

2. That we might learn what it means to depend on Him.

While I already knew Jesus...the experiences of the last 2+ years have completely changed what it means to know Him. When you're carrying a baby and EVERYTHING POSSIBLE goes wrong...and just when

you think it couldn't possibly get worse...it gets worse...and then when you actually have to face the moment when you watch life leave your daughter's earthly body...how could I NOT depend on Him. Who else or what else could I possibly depend on in a moment like this. It's moments like this that make you realize that nothing else matters. When you are at the absolute bottom and you have absolutely nothing...God is there. Being at the absolute bottom opened my eyes to that. Yes, I've always known He was there...but in that moment...that knowledge is more real than ever. It goes from belief to actual reality.

3. That we might learn to give thanks in everything.

Yes, believe it or not...I do give thanks for everything I've been through in the last 2+ years. I really am thankful! How could I not be? I was BLESSED by the gift of carrying and meeting a beautiful perfect little soul...and through the process I learned to know my Savior, my God, like I never have before and maybe never would have had I never met Angeliyah. OBVIOUSLY I wish she were still here. OBVIOUSLY I wish she had been born healthy. But I'm certainly not mad that it happened. The good outweighs the bad... by far! I truly feel like I have been blessed. I'm honestly thankful that God chose me to carry my little Trisomy 13 angel. She was and is nothing but a blessing to me. Even in the midst of the most painful days...I always have hope...because one day, as King David said about his baby boy that died..."I will go to (her)". I'm not with her now...but I WILL be with her one day...a day that lasts for forever...because of that, I always have Hope.

"Hope: One of the great themes of Christianity is triumphant hope. Not just hope as in a distant, vague dream, but triumphant hope, the kind of hope where all things end right. In the midst of the struggles and the storms and the sufferings of life, we can advance our thoughts beyond today and see relief...triumph...victory. Because in the end, God does indeed win."

-Charles Swindoll

Happy 2nd Birthday Angeliyah!!!

I'll post more about Angeliyah's birthday in the next day or two, but wanted to just briefly share through pictures what we did this afternoon as a family in memory of Angeliyah on her 2nd birthday.

Daddy and Raife digging a hole

Planting Angeliyah's Tree

And this what Remi was doing while we were planting Angeliyah's tree

A little bit about Angeliyah's tree...first of all, it's called a variegated willow tree. I don't know if it's clear in these pictures or not, but those aren't blossoms. They're actually the leaves of the tree. It has green leaves in the Spring, and then around the beginning of June all the leaves start turning pink. Right now, it's still in the beginning of the process of changing colors and only some of the leaves are light pink. But pretty soon they'll all be changing to a nice pink. Once we have plenty of hot summer weather, all the leaves should be pink all over until it starts to cool down again outside. In the fall, the leaves will turn green again. Pretty cool, eh? It reminds me a little bit of Angeliyah's birthstone... Alexandrite...which changes colors depending on the light that it's in. And of course, it's really cool that it starts to change colors in the beginning of June...just in time for Angeliyah's birthday every year. Which of course is the reason we chose this tree.

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!!!

WE MISS YOU SO MUCH!!

Today my heart is heavy. Angeliyah's 2nd birthday is tomorrow. Hypothetically, we would have had a birthday party today if she were still here with us. Probably some kind of princess party. I would have gone shopping this last week for presents, food, party supplies, gift bags for all her little friends. I would have baked a cake yesterday...with pink icing.

But tomorrow is not just her birthday...it's also her "angel day". The day she went to Heaven. So instead of throwing a party, I'm trying to decide what we should do tomorrow in memory of her. I'm trying to decide what I'd like to bring to her grave this year...do I just stick with fresh flowers and balloons? Or should we mix it up this year and bring something different...maybe a plant and a butterfly garden decoration. Should we bring cake? Or just skip it. Does it even matter? Will she even care? Will she even know that we came and visited her grave...that we "celebrated" her birthday. After all, she's not even there. It's just a bunch of grass and dirt...with a pretty white box with her little body in a pretty white dress. She's moved on to bigger and better things...she's moved on to Higher Places...literally.

2 years old. I can't even begin to imagine. Considering how much Raife and Remi look alike, I assume Angeliyah would look like them. But I still can't imagine what she would look like, how she would talk or laugh...would she have hair yet? Would she have blue eyes or brown?

This is unnatural. No mom should have to guess what their child would have looked like if she were still alive today. No mom should have to decide what to bring to their child's grave on their 2nd birthday.

I may not know what my daughter would look like, but I have her face engraved on my mind from the day she was born. Because of her chromosomal disorder, she wasn't perfect looking by any means...she had some problems with her scalp...her neck folds were thick...she had an extra finger...but to me...she was absolutely beautiful...she was my little girl and I loved her more than life itself. I still do.



I'm closing with my favorite picture of Angeliyah...the one where she's full of life...full of spunk...trying to scream her head off at us all for waking her up and taking her from her warm safe place in her mommy's tummy, where she was free to wiggle, kick and dance. The Angeliyah full of life...that's the Angeliyah I remember...not the one in the grave.