Today my heart is heavy. Angeliyah's 2nd birthday is tomorrow. Hypothetically, we would have had a birthday party today if she were still here with us. Probably some kind of princess party. I would have gone shopping this last week for presents, food, party supplies, gift bags for all her little friends. I would have baked a cake yesterday...with pink icing.

But tomorrow is not just her birthday...it's also her "angel day". The day she went to Heaven. So instead of throwing a party, I'm trying to decide what we should do tomorrow in memory of her. I'm trying to decide what I'd like to bring to her grave this year...do I just stick with fresh flowers and balloons? Or should we mix it up this year and bring something different...maybe a plant and a butterfly garden decoration. Should we bring cake? Or just skip it. Does it even matter? Will she even care? Will she even know that we came and visited her grave...that we "celebrated" her birthday. After all, she's not even there. It's just a bunch of grass and dirt...with a pretty white box with her little body in a pretty white dress. She's moved on to bigger and better things...she's moved on to Higher Places...literally.

2 years old. I can't even begin to imagine. Considering how much Raife and Remi look alike, I assume Angeliyah would look like them. But I still can't imagine what she would look like, how she would talk or laugh...would she have hair yet? Would she have blue eyes or brown?

This is unnatural. No mom should have to guess what their child would have looked like if she were still alive today. No mom should have to decide what to bring to their child's grave on their 2nd birthday.

I may not know what my daughter would look like, but I have her face engraved on my mind from the day she was born. Because of her chromosomal disorder, she wasn't perfect looking by any means...she had some problems with her scalp...her neck folds were thick...she had an extra finger...but to me...she was absolutely beautiful...she was my little girl and I loved her more than life itself. I still do.



I'm closing with my favorite picture of Angeliyah...the one where she's full of life...full of spunk...trying to scream her head off at us all for waking her up and taking her from her warm safe place in her mommy's tummy, where she was free to wiggle, kick and dance. The Angeliyah full of life...that's the Angeliyah I remember...not the one in the grave.