Goggleboy to the rescue!

Introducing....

Goggleboy!!!

Dame in distress...

Goggleboy to the Rescue...

Thank You

Physically, this has been a rough day for me. I decided to get out for some fresh air early this afternoon and go for a walk with my mom...which was wonderful at the time...but shortly afterwards I was practically doubled over from the painful cramps that followed. So now I am wisely taking it easy.

Emotionally and mentally, we are doing well. Tuesday was a very rough day for us, but on Wednesdsay I woke up filled with peace. As my friend Kara from work reminded me on facebook...Weeping may last for a moment, but Joy comes in the morning. And it did.

Although I am still sad that we lost our baby, I am by no means depressed...and I haven't cried since Tuesday. I know that we are in God's hands and I trust Him with everything in me. I have been blessed with a wonderful supportive husband and 2 beautiful healthy children. I have much to be thankful for. I also have amazing friends who are always there to love and support me, and for that I am very grateful.

To everyone who has prayed for us these last few days...Thank You. It's been wonderful to know how much everyone cares about us...to know that we have been in so many people's thoughts and prayers. Between e-mails, phone calls, flowers, text messages and MANY facebook comments...we have been overwhelmed by all the support and encouragement we have received. So thank you!

"When the barometer of life drops to the bottom of the gauge - when the winds of adversity blow hard against our souls, we cannot make it on our own. We not only need the Lord, we need each other."

- Charles Swindoll

Glory Baby

We found out today that our baby whom we were expecting to arrive shortly after Christmas, lovingly referred to as Reed (named by Raife who decided several weeks ago that the baby in my tummy was a girl named Reed), is no longer with us. I'm not sure when we lost her, but evidently I've had a miscarriage. I have no words. I am just very, very sad. Although the pain I feel today is not even a small fraction of the pain I felt when we lost Angeliyah, the pain is still there...and it is still significant...and our baby that we lost is significant.

Although we were very shocked when we found out I was pregnant, and not at all excited in the beginning due to how overwhelmed we felt...over the last several weeks Matt and I have grown to love this baby...to want this baby...we were starting to get pretty excited about adding another child to our family...making plans already...talking about building a bigger house...etc. And all too quickly, our excitement and plans have been snatched away from us. But the love is still there for our little Reed. That is one thing that can not be snatched away from us, despite our current circumstances. And just like Angeliyah, we know that Reed is in Heaven. We never got to hold her before she left, but we know whose arms she is in until the day comes that we get to hold her ourselves.


GLORY BABY, BY WATERMARK
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby...baby...
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby...baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you...Until we're home with you...

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, We will hold you
You'll kiss our tears away, When we're home to stay
Can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, til mom and dad can hold you...
You'll just have Heaven before we do...You'll just have Heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it's hard to understand it 'cause we're hurting, We are hurting
But there is healing, And we know we're stronger people through the growing,
and in knowing
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said he would...Just like He said He would

Miss you everyday
Miss you in everyway
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, We will hold you
You'll kiss our tears away, When we're home to stay
Can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, til mom and dad can hold you...
You'll just have Heaven before we do...You'll just have Heaven before we do

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know...

We love you baby Reed!!!

Hope

God...comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Some thoughts from Charles Swindoll...

...and a few from Tami Izzi as well.

2 Corinthians chapter one gives 3 reasons for the purpose of suffering in our lives:

1. That we might have the capacity to enter into others' sorrow and affliction.

Since the day we found out we would lose our little girl, we have been blessed by connections with so many other families who were/are going through the same things as we have/are. The experience of losing a child has enabled us to comfort other families facing the same tragedy. And having specifically lost a child to Trisomy 13 has allowed me to connect with women around the world who have also lost a child to Trisomy 13...creating friendships that are a HUGE blessing to me...friendships I never would have had if it weren't for Angeliyah.

2. That we might learn what it means to depend on Him.

While I already knew Jesus...the experiences of the last 2+ years have completely changed what it means to know Him. When you're carrying a baby and EVERYTHING POSSIBLE goes wrong...and just when

you think it couldn't possibly get worse...it gets worse...and then when you actually have to face the moment when you watch life leave your daughter's earthly body...how could I NOT depend on Him. Who else or what else could I possibly depend on in a moment like this. It's moments like this that make you realize that nothing else matters. When you are at the absolute bottom and you have absolutely nothing...God is there. Being at the absolute bottom opened my eyes to that. Yes, I've always known He was there...but in that moment...that knowledge is more real than ever. It goes from belief to actual reality.

3. That we might learn to give thanks in everything.

Yes, believe it or not...I do give thanks for everything I've been through in the last 2+ years. I really am thankful! How could I not be? I was BLESSED by the gift of carrying and meeting a beautiful perfect little soul...and through the process I learned to know my Savior, my God, like I never have before and maybe never would have had I never met Angeliyah. OBVIOUSLY I wish she were still here. OBVIOUSLY I wish she had been born healthy. But I'm certainly not mad that it happened. The good outweighs the bad... by far! I truly feel like I have been blessed. I'm honestly thankful that God chose me to carry my little Trisomy 13 angel. She was and is nothing but a blessing to me. Even in the midst of the most painful days...I always have hope...because one day, as King David said about his baby boy that died..."I will go to (her)". I'm not with her now...but I WILL be with her one day...a day that lasts for forever...because of that, I always have Hope.

"Hope: One of the great themes of Christianity is triumphant hope. Not just hope as in a distant, vague dream, but triumphant hope, the kind of hope where all things end right. In the midst of the struggles and the storms and the sufferings of life, we can advance our thoughts beyond today and see relief...triumph...victory. Because in the end, God does indeed win."

-Charles Swindoll

Happy 2nd Birthday Angeliyah!!!

I'll post more about Angeliyah's birthday in the next day or two, but wanted to just briefly share through pictures what we did this afternoon as a family in memory of Angeliyah on her 2nd birthday.

Daddy and Raife digging a hole

Planting Angeliyah's Tree

And this what Remi was doing while we were planting Angeliyah's tree

A little bit about Angeliyah's tree...first of all, it's called a variegated willow tree. I don't know if it's clear in these pictures or not, but those aren't blossoms. They're actually the leaves of the tree. It has green leaves in the Spring, and then around the beginning of June all the leaves start turning pink. Right now, it's still in the beginning of the process of changing colors and only some of the leaves are light pink. But pretty soon they'll all be changing to a nice pink. Once we have plenty of hot summer weather, all the leaves should be pink all over until it starts to cool down again outside. In the fall, the leaves will turn green again. Pretty cool, eh? It reminds me a little bit of Angeliyah's birthstone... Alexandrite...which changes colors depending on the light that it's in. And of course, it's really cool that it starts to change colors in the beginning of June...just in time for Angeliyah's birthday every year. Which of course is the reason we chose this tree.

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!!!

WE MISS YOU SO MUCH!!

Today my heart is heavy. Angeliyah's 2nd birthday is tomorrow. Hypothetically, we would have had a birthday party today if she were still here with us. Probably some kind of princess party. I would have gone shopping this last week for presents, food, party supplies, gift bags for all her little friends. I would have baked a cake yesterday...with pink icing.

But tomorrow is not just her birthday...it's also her "angel day". The day she went to Heaven. So instead of throwing a party, I'm trying to decide what we should do tomorrow in memory of her. I'm trying to decide what I'd like to bring to her grave this year...do I just stick with fresh flowers and balloons? Or should we mix it up this year and bring something different...maybe a plant and a butterfly garden decoration. Should we bring cake? Or just skip it. Does it even matter? Will she even care? Will she even know that we came and visited her grave...that we "celebrated" her birthday. After all, she's not even there. It's just a bunch of grass and dirt...with a pretty white box with her little body in a pretty white dress. She's moved on to bigger and better things...she's moved on to Higher Places...literally.

2 years old. I can't even begin to imagine. Considering how much Raife and Remi look alike, I assume Angeliyah would look like them. But I still can't imagine what she would look like, how she would talk or laugh...would she have hair yet? Would she have blue eyes or brown?

This is unnatural. No mom should have to guess what their child would have looked like if she were still alive today. No mom should have to decide what to bring to their child's grave on their 2nd birthday.

I may not know what my daughter would look like, but I have her face engraved on my mind from the day she was born. Because of her chromosomal disorder, she wasn't perfect looking by any means...she had some problems with her scalp...her neck folds were thick...she had an extra finger...but to me...she was absolutely beautiful...she was my little girl and I loved her more than life itself. I still do.



I'm closing with my favorite picture of Angeliyah...the one where she's full of life...full of spunk...trying to scream her head off at us all for waking her up and taking her from her warm safe place in her mommy's tummy, where she was free to wiggle, kick and dance. The Angeliyah full of life...that's the Angeliyah I remember...not the one in the grave.

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.

I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending she didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~

The Dragonfly Story

As we approach Angeliyah's 2nd birthday, I can not help but think of my sweet little girl throughout the day. She is on my mind so much of the time lately. It's amazing, even after 2 years, that I still miss her so much. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that I held her in my arms. And sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago...almost like it never happened.

It's been so hard for Matt and I, to lose our daughter and then have to move on with the rest of the world. But we do have comfort in the fact that we are only apart from Angeliyah for a time. Before we know it, this life will have passed and we will go and join her. At that time, I imagine it will seem like we were never apart from her.

One of the new moms on the livingwithtrisomy13 website shared a really sweet story that I'd like to share here as well. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. Butterflies and dragonflies have always made me think of Angeliyah, and so this story seemed just perfect when I read it.

The Dragonfly Story
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.

So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!

~Author Unknown~

What a sweet story of what God has in store for us, as long as we believe in Him and trust Him as our Lord and Savior. One thing that Matt and I have thought time and time again since losing Angeliyah, is we would do ANYTHING to be with her again. Absolutely ANYTHING. The most wonderful thing is though, we don't have to DO anything. Somebody already DID EVERYTHING for us when He died on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins, and as a result of that we have the promise of eternal life. Jesus already ensured a way for us to be with our daughter again someday. All we have to do is make sure we have accepted that gift and made Him our Lord and Savior. And we have. And because of that, we have absolute assurance that one day we will "climb up above the lily pads" and see the joyous life that God has been preparing for us...the life that our daughter is living and enjoying RIGHT NOW.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am." - John 14:1-3

Remi's 1st Steps

This sweet little girl...

yeah...the adorable one with the cute wrinkled up nose...

and the cutest little fingers and toes...

Yep. This cute little thing...

...took her 1st steps today!!!


3 of em in a row. And then 3 more!

Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera in hand. However, as soon as I can get some pictures of it, you can guarantee I'll have them on here. One thing we love about Remi is the fact that she's so careful. When Raife was little, he was fearless...he just went for it, whatever "it" was, and as a result, that kid always had a goose egg, or a cut lip, or a black eye. He fell ALL THE TIME! Remi on the other hand, is SO cautious! She rarely falls down. She's very careful and deliberate about everything she does. When Raife took his first steps, he was falling forward in the process as he tried to move his feet as quickly as he could to get the steps in before crashing on the floor. Part of it may be that Raife was much younger...started walking before he was 9 months old, but I don't think he was EVER as cautious as Remi is now. Remi stands there for a long time, slowly picks one foot up and ever so carefully places it back down out in front of her...then stands there another few seconds, and picks up the other foot...etc. She's so careful, it's hilarious. Even once she was done with her 3 steps each time, she carefully fell to the floor and put both hands down to catch herself. Looked like she'd planned the whole thing.

For the next few days, I'll have my camera in hand at all times. Stay tuned for pics of Remi on the go...